So sometimes I write something about myself but never post it.
I always have the innate feeling that no one cares. So why write, why share anything at all?
This whole unemployed thing is driving me insane. Last year I did a trades course for welding. Finished as one of the best in the class. Thought work wouldn’t be a problem. A year ago today I finished that apprenticeship, qualified for all position stick, can weld with nearly any mig process, have several safety tickets ranging from first aid to rescuing someone from a confined space. Since then I’ve sat around trying to apply to every welding job I could be useful for up north. I’ve not heard back from a single job I’ve applied to for a year now.
What would you do when all you want to do is make things, but you can’t? And it’s not for lack of wanting to or trying. Makes me absolutely miserable. I just don’t get it.
I’m broke, living with my parents as I turned thirty, and all I can think of is packing my bag and hitchhiking away from here and cutting all ties to anyone and everything I know right now. But where the hell would I go? No one seems to want to let me stay with them like how is have let anyone I know stay at my place when I lived on my own. Do I even want to bother showing up at someone house who I thought was a friend?
The only thing that makes me happy is building. That’s all that’s ever made me feel whole. Last year, welding in that course, was the happiest I’ve been in a decade. People I can do without, I can be artsy or I can shoot the shit with trades guys, but what matters to me is working with my hands and seeing something come together that I’ve shed blood and sweat over.
Since then much of this year has been spent being depressed, trying to not give up on everything. And it’s not like I want the guys I worked with to fail; I’m actually incredibly happy they got the work they wanted up north. But why can’t I? I really don’t get what I’m not doing properly.
I had plans for my future, and this really isn’t how I planned anything to go. But those plans i was making last year, are seeming like stupid daydreams, more remote and impossible the longer this drags on. So I’ve really been going back and forth, with what to do with my life and future. Give up and disappear? Keep trying to find work that never seems to come through?
I wish everything I did wasn’t such a godamn struggle to actually make happen, because I’m starting to think it’s really pointless and I wasted all my savings on a trades apprenticeship that got me nothing.
I think the best compliments in art school I ever got were “I don’t get it” and “I think you see a very…different world than we do.”